Week 10

Welcome Note

A ‘silent-type’ spouse can really feel stifled and drained by incessant conversation of a ‘won’t-stop-talking-type’ spouse. The feeling could be similar to what the writer of Proverbs 27:15 describes.

A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet; You can't turn it off, and you can't get away from it. (The Message)

Much ground has been covered last week regarding the hows on dealing with differences in the needs for conversation.

It’s Just Too Much To Handle……..

 A common strategy used by the spouse who is overwhelmed by the partner’s badgering to talk more is stonewalling. A typical scene is the man covering himself with a newspaper, ignoring what his wife is trying to say to him and hoping that his action would ultimately stop his wife’s insistency. It is an act of disengaging oneself from another in communication. Stonewalling can easily be used by the wife too.

That kind of counteraction is not advisable as it is destructive to the marital relationship in the long-run.

Again, we ask that you roll up the sleeves and work on the issue. Do not let the situation fester further.

Apart from the 6 suggestions listed in this week’s reading, one advice you should consider is to start the habit of setting aside a scheduled time when the two of you can just spend unhurried time together once a week or once every fortnight doing things together and talking about issues.

Usually, this is hard to start, especially with the myriad of things that you need to do with the limited time on hand. If you are dealing with the situation where your spouse’s way of conversation irritates you greatly, tell yourself it is worth all the efforts to work on it before it does further damage to your marriage.

Take each of the listed suggestions and be creative about doing something to that effect. For instance, with suggestion No.5, schedule a time to go away for a few days just to be together, doing things that both of you would enjoy.

On the suggestion of using the timer for the time to talk, I am not sure if this will work for you. One alternative is to state a time of the day of the week where you can commit to spend time to talk about the differences in the need to talk.

Worth Thinking About

Yes, as the writer of Ecclesiastes says so pointedly, there is ‘…a time to be silent and a time to speak,…’ (Eccl. 3:7).

Ask yourself the question whether you are handling the communication aspect of your relationship with your spouse right at the present time. Are you right on that ‘time’ – time to be silent or to speak more?

Worth Praying

 “Search me, O God and know my heart; try me and know my anxieties” (Psalm 139: 23). Deliver me from negative emotions and show me and break those inherited strongholds such as attitudes, fears, prejudices and depression in my life. Lord, heal and deliver me from these negative emotions.  Lord, “enlighten my darkness” (Psalm 18:28) and give me rest from sorrow and fear (Isaiah 14:3).

Give me breakthroughs as I seek to learn to communicate better with my husband/wife.

Worth Doing

 Find a moment this week to ask yourself whether you are a ‘silent-type’ spouse or ‘won’t-stop-talking-type’ spouse, and why you handle conversation with your spouse in that way. Try to probe deeper on the whys and see what you will discover about yourself.

Week 9

Welcome Note

In the next two weeks, we will be dealing with the touchy issue of differences as part of the need for conversation (‘talkativeness’) among the married couple.
A ‘won’t-stop-talking-type’ spouse can feel really lonely and rejected when faced with a spouse who is not talking much.
How do you handle that? Often, one reaches all kinds of conclusions regarding a spouse who is non-talkative.

The Silence is Too Loud……..

It is not a simple issue for us to handle when we face disparity in the need to converse with one 

another. It encompasses several facets of relationships within a marriage.

A key question we need to answer regarding our dissatisfaction about our spouse’s desire (or lack of desire) to talk is: ‘Is this because of the different communication style that my spouse has or is it something else?’
If it is to do with the style of communication, one obvious way out is to learn about it. There are several approaches to this. One approach is the Pointer and Painter Communication styles designed by Dr. David Ludwig. You may find more information about your style and that of your spouse at their website (http://thinkwenotme.com/artppflash.html).
I would like to comment on the 7 suggestions listed in this week’s reading.
1.    Read about the differences between men and women, especially those that relate to communication. There is much to learn about the differences on how man and woman communicate but it is worth the investment to find out more over time.
2.    Learn to not take things too personally. The best way to avoid reading wrongly into why your spouse is not talking to you the way you want him/her to, is to find the right time to find out why.
3.    Don't overanalyse your partner. Yes, this is so true. Don’t guess in this area. It’s risky to do so. You could be totally wrong in your conclusion.
4.    Talk about your feelings in a non-accusatory, non-blaming way. You need to find the right time and be in the right mood to strike this one on the right note.
5.    Ask your spouse what would make him/her feel less overwhelmed when it comes to communication. This is one powerful way to start sorting out your differences in communication.
6.    Ask your spouse for a specific, short commitment of time. This is a practical step to take. It can be very effective in allowing your spouse to take baby steps towards the kind of conversation you want or at least coming close to it.
7.    Learn each other's personality type, and how it shapes communication style. As explained above.
One unknown author has this to say about couple communication.

Learning to communicate in marriage isn’t solved by applying a magic potion— it’s a path of discovery. We individually bring into our married lives, different temperaments and various “styles” of communicating (and not communicating). Some are learned from our past family backgrounds and experiences, and some ways of communicating, we just learned on our own as a single person. What’s important, as you enter into marriage, is that you learn how to communicate as a “couple.” You’re no longer one person making everyday decisions and choices. You’re now both part of a team and you need to proceed through the rest of your married lives as a team. 

Worth Thinking About

This week’s Scripture reminds us that a distinctive characteristic of a strong marriage is the sacrifice of giving. For those who have been married for a long time, they know the great truth that a marriage is all about giving oneself to it and not just focusing on what one can get out of it. A mature marital love gives to the other, without expecting anything in return. This is the kind of love that nurtures a lasting marriage.

Saint Paul calls the married to agape (God’s kind of love – sacrificial, unconditional and unilateral), and not just phileo (ordinary human kind of love), one another.  Ephesians 5:22-33.

Worth Praying

Lord, You redeem our souls when we put our trust in You (Psalm 34:22). I pray that (spouse’s name) would have faith in You to free himself/herself from negative emotions. I pray that he/she will not be controlled by depression, anger, anxiety, jealousy, hopelessness, fear. Specifically, I pray about (area of concern). Deliver him/her from this and all other controlling emotions. Use me as an instrument to restore, deliver and heal him/her. Help me not to be pulled down with him/her in his/her struggles but instead enable me to understand and say life-giving words.

Free him/her to share his/her deepest feelings with me and those who can help. Liberate him/her to cry when he/she needs to and not keep his/her emotions inside. Give him/her the gift of laughter and the ability to find humour in every serious situation.  Teach him/her to take his/her eyes off his/her circumstances and trust in You regardless of his/her feeling. Give him/her patience to possess his/her soul and the ability to take charge of it (Luke 21: 19). Anoint him/her with “the oil of joy” (Isaiah 61:3), refresh him/her with Your Spirit, and set him/her free from negative emotions this day.

Worth Doing

Allocate some time this week to start doing research on communication styles and gender differences. There are a lot of resources in these areas on the internet.

Week 8

It’s a lot of areas that we have covered in the last 7 weeks, isn’t it?

What was one top thing you found useful for building your marriage relationship? What was one change you have made as a result of being part of this learning journey?

Marriage is complex, isn’t it? There are so many things that affect the health of our marriage and many of these are totally beyond our control. It is not totally false to say that marriage is a risky business and that anything can happen.

Great marriage does not happen when we just let it cruise along. We have to fight to keep it that way.