If it was the first time that you found out about your own and/or your spouse’s personality last week, you would still be feeling the effect of that discovery.
Personality does play a significant role in the health of every marriage. A wise couple is one that learns to embrace each other’s personalities and allow each other to be who he/she is while enjoying the strengths that come with your spouse.
Even though we seek to love our spouse with minimum conditions, naturally there are certain expectations that we do have of each other (though often unspoken).
Expectations are a result of many factors. One contributing factor may be traced to the family of origin; the kinds of relationship we built with our parents during the growing-up years.
Dr. John Van Epp in his book, ‘How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk’, explains that your past relationship with the opposite parent (it would be your father if you were a woman and your mother if you were a man) very much affects what you expect of your spouse.
If the wife has established a good relationship with her father, she would expect her husband to treat her in the ways her father would. She uses her father as the benchmark for her expectation of her husband.
If the husband is close to his mother, he would expect his wife to relate to him and be treated in the ways his mother had been treating him.
These expectations often remain undeclared but are yet powerful in determining the state of the relationship with your spouse.
Pause and ponder about this for a while. Ask yourself these questions regarding a particular issue.
- Is this particular issue the result of your own conviction based on how your opposite-sex parent treated his/her spouse?
- If so, is it fair to expect this from your spouse?
- If so, did you talk it over with your spouse about your expectation?
Note: This is one area the past could determine the future of life. If the expectations resulting from this parental source are unhealthy, you can choose not to let them continue. Talk these over with your spouse. The process might take a while for you to do this.
Yes, one big help is from talking to your close friends and relatives on the issue of expectations.
Be realistic. Be prepared to give and take in determining a set of expectations that are acceptable to both of you.
Give it time. It is a part of growth for you as well as for your spouse.
As the saying goes, ‘the mind is the playground of the devil’. Unsettled expectations are ground for satanic attacks that aim to ‘divide and rule’ your marital relationship.
Look to God this week and pray this prayer.
‘Father Lord, shield our marriage from the evil plans and desires of any source. Prevent us from giving in to our own selfishness, negligence and jealousy. We pray that the thoughts of unfaithfulness or divorce will not gain any hold in our hearts. Free us from our past hurts and ties from previous relationships. Let us be mindful of unrealistic expectations from each other. Disassociate us from any involvement in alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, lust or obsessions, which will threaten and endanger our marriage. Help us to make time for each other.
Eliminate our immaturity or feeling of inadequacy. Unite and refresh us in our commitment and acceptance. Remind us of the pertinent reasons why we were married.I pray for (spouse’s name), that he/she will be so committed to You that his/her commitment to me will never change, regardless of any circumstance. I pray that our love for each other will deepen each day.
Why don’t you find a time during this coming week to think about one issue in your marriage of which your spouse has not yet met your expectation? If you believe, after much soul-searching, that you need to let your spouse know about this, find an appropriate time this week to start talking about it. Pray to God for wisdom before you do this.
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