Week 6

Expectations are a big part of our life. We cannot run away from them. To a great extent, they tell of our ‘standards’ of living. Therefore, any change to these is considered very personal. That’s why we get very emotional when we are asked to change our expectations of others. This is especially so with our spouse.

Last week, we began the first step in working out healthy expectations in a marriage. It is important to recognize that it is a process that will involve many more such attempts and take time to come to a place where acceptable mutual expectations are established.

This week, we look at one more reality that we see in every marriage.

What happens to the Man/Woman I Married

Marriage does strange things to people. The reading of this week’s Marriage Moment explains this so succinctly. We often see the man/woman that we married change in front of our very eyes after the wedding day! Or, is it we just see things differently with the same man/woman we married? Or, rather, we are now finally seeing things which have always been part of our spouse?

It’s so interesting, if we pause for a while, and think of all the things that we do now which we did not do, or rather never wanted to do (for fear of resulting negative effects), to or with him/her during the courting period. As we let down our hair and open ourselves up to our spouse as the marital relationship develops, we let more of those things out of the bag. It is these new things that come out of the bag that frequently startle many spouses. The bag (with all those things that you are infuriated with your spouse about) has always been there with our spouse. He/she has not changed. It’s just the parts of him/her that we did not see or chose not to see earlier.

Before marriage, we wanted to keep the good thing going and tried our best to keep away things that could work against it. We put our best foot forward. Basically, we hid things away to keep the good time rolling…..until one day…when the cat is out of the bag.

For those of us who have been married for many decades, we would easily agree that, once in a while, we still hear a ‘meow’ from the bag that surprises or even upsets us.

We all know that no one is perfect. It’s insane to expect our spouse to be as perfect as we considered earlier on in the relationship. We should blame it on the blindness that is a part of infatuation. We should expect imperfections as the blindfold is gradually taken off for us to see more of our spouse as who he/she really is. We call this real growth in true marital love.

“Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.” -H.L. Mencken

Copying…

Marriage comes in a package: the good part and the not-so-good part. You cannot have one without the other.

Dave Meurer says this, ‘great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.’

A famous American Psychologist and Educator, Virginia Satir, states this, “Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem.” She adds that, ‘Life is not what it's supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.’

This is a key that many married couples miss terribly. Many mourn over the imperfections and unmet expectations and react to these by doings things that they hope would make their spouses more ‘perfect’. This is really chasing after the wind. It borders on insanity.

We should take on an attitude like that of James L. Framo when he says, ‘People do not marry people, not real ones anyway; they marry what they think the person is; they marry illusions and images. The exciting adventure of marriage is finding out who the partner really is.’

Adopt a learning attitude to master the ways to cope with the unpleasant parts of your spouse and allow the flow of blessings that come from him or her.

Worth Thinking About

The Amplified Bible version of Psalm 119:96 says, ‘I have seen that everything [human] has its limits and end [no matter how extensive, noble, and excellent]…’

You and I do not come to the marriage with our own imperfections. We also carry within us the imperfections of the families we belong to that impacted us during those growing-up years.

Taking on an attitude of our spouse as a gift from God is one good step forward that keeps us in the right perspective of things.

It is God who joins the couple together (Matthew 19:6); from the first contact right through to the present time. He gives our spouse to us a gift.

Worth Praying About

Once again, come before God and ask Him to be the God over your marriage.

Lord, I commit my husband’s/wife’s thoughts and life to You. Guide his/her mind away from the lies of the enemy that prevent him/her from growing in the knowledge of You.  I ask that You remove every bad thoughts due to negative past experiences or from the contacts of the world.  May he/she submit himself/herself to Your Word that exposes and searches his/her every thought and purpose of his/her heart.  Let his/her mind be transformed by the renewing of the mind and that he/she will be able to know that good, acceptable and perfect will of God.  Protect his/her mind from unclean thoughts that come from the world.  Fill his/her mind with the mind of Christ.  Help him/her to fix his/her mind on whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, having virtue, or anything worthy of praise.  Let him/her lead not in his/her own understanding but in all his/her ways, he/her will acknowledge You, and You shall direct his/her path. 

Worth Doing

Yes, just do what the Marriage Moments tells us to do. There are so many things that we should be thankful to God for our spouse….if we start looking for them.